ParentGuide^® Spotlight Interview with John Rosemond

As part of our commitment to the families all around the Tampa Bay area, ParentGuide ® joined YMCA of the Suncoast and Humana to bring best-selling author, columnist, speaker and family psychologist John Rosemond to Clearwater for two intimate and informative seminars. During the two sessions at the Hilton at Carillon Park, he spoke to parents about his brand of back-to-basics parenting.

ParentGuide^® spoke to John Rosemond about his plea to parents for a parenting revolution. The following story is a combination of information from his seminar and the exclusive interview.

Making Old-School Parenting New Again

A culture that accepts the therapy view versus good old common sense is a culture that has created at least two generations of mothers who have too much anxiety and children who lack discipline and respect.

John Rosemond brought his popular presentation to Clearwater recently and urged moms to revolt against the psychological theories and cultural pressures that are causing them bad mental health.

According to Rosemond, the concept of parenting was created by psychologists during the 1960’s. He believes their newly-formed theories became widely accepted as truth without sound research. So over the past 40 years, this psychological work has created an overly-complicated environment for parents that he says is the root of many of the difficulties faced by parents and children today.

“Since the time this social experiment began, every indicator of positive mental health has been in a nosedive,” said Rosemond. “Our kids today aren’t happy. We’ve seen a rise in teen depression, suicide, destructive behavior, mischief and drama in our country unlike what is seen in other countries where they still practice traditional parenting.”

Rosemond tells his audience that a recent query on Amazon.com found more than 80,000 parenting books published in the past 40 years that are still in print. He attributes motherly anxiety, obsession and confusion to these books and has embarked on a nationwide speaking tour to convince parents to ditch unproven theories. Instead he encourages his audiences to look back to their grandparents for traditional, back-to-basics parenting that establishes mom as a leader with rights and boundaries and focuses on character instead of achievements.

A mother once told Rosemond that she couldn’t keep up with all the books and instructions for mothers. “It’s easier running a corporation!” she exclaimed.

“Today’s society expects a mother to be totally involved with her children, to sacrifice everything else to be sure she measures up to the mom ideal and to be the psychological caretaker for her children beyond the age of 18 if necessary,” said Rosemond.

He says mothers need to stand up and say, “No more” to these unrealistic and anxiety-inducing expectations that are bad for the mental health of moms. Women need to reclaim their right to tell a child that this is the way it’s going to be because I said so.

The key to establishing respect as a parent, he says, is that mom and dad must display a leadership attitude at all times. He describes leaders as having clear boundaries, using few words and having a mission statement that is kept in clear sight.

“Write a mission statement for your child that describes the adult you want him to be and remind yourself of this often.” Rosemond adds that in workgroups, parents always write a statement that lists positive character traits like honesty and integrity and not descriptions of income levels, professional status or hours worked at the office. He believes that today’s parents want their children to experience happiness throughout life, yet their actions push kids in the direction of high test scores and individual accomplishments instead of the character development that will more greatly benefit the child.

Rosemond also believes that the post-sixties generations have lacked discipline and created an age of non-responsibility where every problem is a diagnosed disorder and every person is a victim. This culture-wide dysfunction has resulted in problems in the workplace and with relationships. “There is no sense of stick-to-itiveness or obligation. A relationship is expected to be perfect or else one partner will just claim the other had issues and move on.”

Is there a way to undo the past and right the course? Rosemond is somewhat optimistic that moms can turn things around by returning to the traditional values tossed aside in the 1960s, but he says it will take an event larger and more long-lasting than 9-11.

During Rosemond’s sessions, he takes his audience back a few generations to the 1940s and 1950s, when he says mothers did not refer to books for the answers, their lives did not revolve around their children and they did not do homework for their children. Their methods focused on preparing children to solve their own problems and not rely upon others for help. “As a child back then, it was a goal to keep my mother from being involved in my life. If I behaved correctly, then I earned freedom as my reward,” said Rosemond.

Today’s moms, he says, are told by society that they must be involved in every aspect of their child’s life and that being a good mom is taking care of every need and want.

He also doesn’t think that freedom is something parents in our culture are willing, or know how to give. Other cultures have emancipation ceremonies at age 13 to signify becoming an adult. In America, more adult children are living at home because they never learned how to take care of themselves.

Rosemond breaks down the parent-child timeline into seasons.

Season One is from birth to two and is called the Season of Service. During this time, the mother’s sole responsibility as caretaker is to keep the child alive. Her every thought and action focuses on the helpless infant. She must do everything from feeding, changing, bathing and showering the babe with constant love and attention. She gets no sleep and has very little time for herself. The baby is the center of all attention and this point believes that his mom has been assigned to him for life. Also during this time, dad is on the sidelines performing duties as mom’s parenting aide.

Sometime between the ages of two and three a transition away from service should occur. This change can take a year, but the goal is a shift to Season Two.

How does mom encourage this transition? First, reduce the level of doing things for the child by increasing responsibility. Second, build a boundary and use freedom as currency. And third, reestablish the marriage relationship as priority.

Season Two is for ages three to 13 and is called the Season of Leadership and Discipline. During this stage, parents must transform the anti-social toddler to a child that consents to and accepts parental leadership. During the third year, the child should know that is her job to pay attention to her parents and not the other way around. Parents lead so that she follows, subscribes to family values and internalizes the leadership model. The goal is to prepare for the season of emancipation.

Season Three is for ages 13 to 18 and is called the Season of Mentoring and Emancipation. It is during this time that parents mentor their children who by now should be able to make mature decisions and self govern responsibly.

The last piece of advice Rosemond gives his Clearwater audience is to preserve a bit of mystery about adulthood. “If children are involved in every aspect of their parents’ lives, then what do they have to look forward to?”

Take them through the seasons with leadership. Depend upon your instincts and when there is doubt, ask a grandmother.

John Rosemond has numerous books available for purchase on his website including his best-selling study guide for Christians called, “Parenting by the Book” and his newest book about ADD and ADHD titled, “The Diseasing of America’s Children.”

Visit his website at www.Rosemond.com to see a list of his speaking engagements or to read his weekly column published by 250 newspapers in the U.S.