The Family Coach

A monthly column written by local coaches with Family Directions in Tampa as a community service.  Their coaching services are available to local families by calling their office.

Understanding and embracing dad's different parenting style

As we walked in the door we heard our client exclaim, "What are you doing?" As we approached, we saw her husband feeding Sarah, his 12-month old, and from what we could tell, was apparently not doing it to mom's standards. Mom had been running around frantic getting ready to go to a PTA meeting as is typical in that house.

In this case, it was Dad who originally called us for a little coaching help. He felt like he couldn't do anything right from his wife’s perspective and was sincerely worried he wasn't being a good father.

During this first visit, we observed dad giving great care to feed Sarah as the three-year-old Ben ran around the house playing pirate. A bite of baby food one moment and a swordfight the next – dad was doing a pretty good job of multi-tasking. But because mom was busy getting ready to leave, she didn’t see the balancing act. So when she observed him at play, she screamed, "Why aren't you feeding the baby?"

This is not an uncommon family situation. As men and women are different, so are moms and dads. As a result, they parent differently. In most families, mom is typically the primary caregiver and has her own specific ideas regarding structure and routines for each child in the family. When the other parent (in this case dad) steps in to co-parent in his own way, it can cause a great deal of friction between the parents. This was the obvious scenario in this family.

Dad wasn't doing anything wrong. He was giving his full attention to both children, but it was not how mom would do it. To her, dad was acting goofy, active and animated, which is a common style for fathers when it comes to interacting with children.

While moms most often give quiet nurturing play and dads give the physical play, either parent can provide both types of play at different times in different scenarios. Fortunately, children benefit from and need both styles and we are able to work with mom to understand this concept. Her role as the nurturing parent helps to establish the empathy and feeling side of the child and dad as the active parent helps to develop motor skills. The children in that family had a positive learning environment because they clearly had both kinds of interactions. She also came to understand that small changes in routines won’t scar a child. Instead, it helps to develop adaptability and creates a tolerance for the many differences the world has to offer.

Family coaching can be a real benefit for families facing conflicts, because we come into the home and can often see the forest through the trees. The same trees that block a parent’s view and hinder objective understanding.

We continued our job with this family by assisting both mom and dad to accept the different parenting styles as being just that...different. Not necessarily better or worse, but working in tandem toward the same goal. We observed the family in action and had meetings with the parents to help them establish and communicate their expectations including schedules, discipline, feeding and bedtimes. We also conducted individual sessions to assist them in understanding the other parent’s style, encouraging them to focus on how the different styles still work toward the common goals they set for their family. And most importantly how communication without attacking is critical to success.

This family now runs a lot more smoothly with less tension. Dad feels more confident about his abilities as a father. Mom feels more confident in dad and has less stress when it comes to her role as the primary caregiver. They are working together with better understanding. And the children get the benefit of enjoying two unique personalities and parenting styles.

If you would like some more help addressing these or other issues within your family please consider family coaching as a solution.

Written by
Caroline Hatton, LMHC, NCC 
Kelly Jo Terry
Margaret Mela
The Coaches of Family Directions

For more information contact us at:
Family Directions
8019 N. Himes  Avenue
Tampa,  FL   33614
813-915-1600
www.yourfamilydirections.com