Dr. Felicia shares her expert knowledge with parents in Tampa Bay who have asked for her advice through our Ask Dr. Felicia feature.

Ask Dr. Felicia
Dr. Felicia will answer your questions on child development that are non-medical related. Please send your question to her using the online form and stay tuned to the Dr. Felicia Q&A page on ParentGuide.com for answers to all your questions!

Topic: Behavior
Q. Hello Dr. Felicia I take care of my 16 month old grand son he started to screaming .When he doesnt get his way or if you make him do something he just screams .I have had 5 kids but never one that screams can you please help us to stop this. I take him to church with me an he does this when I wouldnt let him down .Can you please hepl us to stop this.

A. Hello, I hear you loud and clear. When a toddler screams like that at every 'no' it is quite disturbing. As a grandma who has raised her own children, I am sure that you have tried different techniques as well. The main thing we want to focus on is to not reinforce that behavior by finally giving into him so that he learns that it works. So, here are a few suggestions 1) while at home, put him in a corner of the room (time out space) away from family so he does not get reinforced and everyone ignores his actions; 2. Whisper to him and then he has to lower his own voice to hear you. 3.) Hug him in your arms and rock a few seconds back and forth, this seems to calm them. 4) walk him gently to another location so as to throw him off as to your reaction and focus or point out another distracter, i.e., a stuffed teddy bear, a cloud or a plant with such enthusiasm he has to look; 5.) ignore the reaction all together and go about your business, sooner or later he will get tired of screaming; 6) take his hand and walk outdoors or others location; 7) while he is screaming, just shake your head and move back from him.  Of course, in church you might bring foods or   snacks to distract him (perhaps you already tried that) and be sure to sit in the rear of the church just in case. .Mainly you want your behavior to throw him off. If he believes that you will give in he will surely do it repeatedly. You know this will pass but while it occurs it can be quite offensive.

Topic: School Concerns
Q. My daughter is in third grade, and My concerns started at the begininning of the school year. However, after several meetings with her teacher I felt like my concerns were being ignored. she was called names like big head and germ-monkey. My daughter is only eight years old . She has been treated poorly and unfair on several occasions. Recently I received a note saying that the homework was missing, she was given detention for the missing homework on the same day it was due. My daughter was very disturbed about getting detention. So disturbed that she didn't remember to take her lunch bag out of the class room which is locked during recess and lunch. Confussed and intimidatd she didn't know what to do. I was not happy to find out that she had missed lunch! Recess is given before lunch and detention in place of recess. She was also confused because her homework is always done. I accidently placed the workbook in her bookshelf on the weekend that it was done. It was not until a few days after her detention when I received the note on her greenlight sheet about the missing homework, which did not state anything about her being punished. Keep in mind that this is a child that is always happy to do her homework! However the note that I received prior to this one again... another missing homework. Which my daughter did explain to her teacher that she had placed the wookbook on her desk before leaving to put away her baackpack, but when she returned the wookbook was gone. After receving the note I contacted her teacher the next day. And I was told that the class room was searched, and the missing workbook was not there. At which point I informed her teacher that I had packed the backpack myself. Also the child who had taken the wookbook was pointed to the teacher by another student. In addition, the book was graded by the teacher for the very same child that the other student had pointed out to her. I have other concerns, but I don't want my child to be involved so it not simple. Any advice?

A. Dear Concerned Mom,
It appears that your 8-year-old daughter in 3rd grade has been subjected to a few inaccurate punishments via the teacher in her classroom, even when you were able to substantiate events like the missing notebook. By all means proceed with a call to the principal administrator of her building and request a meeting. Especially to address the issues concerning harassment from other students. (There is no justification for allowing harassment of any student). Usually when the administrator (leader of the building) is competent and involved in daily school discipline, he or she will correct others immediately if they are made aware of it. In your case, it sounds like miscommunication occurs with the teacher. So, perhaps you and your husband or other family member can attend a session with the principal to site your case. It helps if you make a list of dates, names and incidents before you arrive or else you may forget the facts. Stick to the facts and try not to be emotional or unprofessional when referencing the teacher. Most likely the principal will call in the teacher in or tell her about it later.

If you site your case in a calm and intelligent manner, I am sure the principal will call it to the attention of the teacher. Sometimes, you need to take a strong stand. It sounds like you tried to talk to the teacher several times and are not happy with the outcome. I suggest bringing an objective person with you as you may forget things that are said when it is over. It may be difficult to address this now, but most of all, we do not want your daughter to develop an adverse concern or worse about going into this classroom. By what you write, it would appear that your daughter is somehow singled out or not listened to. Please do not go into the meeting with an enraged attitude, as that does not accomplish anything. Try to keep your tone light but diplomatic. If your daughter is over sensitive that is Another concern arises as we do not want her develop over anxiety either. If no benefit is realized, you may also want to speak to the parents of the children doing the harassment. In the meantime, keep reinforcing your daughter to keep a positive attitude and let her know that you support her, suggest this may just be a misunderstanding and reassure her that you will work it out. In the meantime, encourage her to do her best work and try to ignore and stay away from harassers as much as possible. This is a tough think to watch happen when your child is upset, but the best means of approaching it is positive communication.
Good Luck,
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Lying
Q. I have a 7 year old daughter that is in 2nd grade and is having a really bad problem about lying to her father, myself (mother) and also the teacher!  We have taken things away from her, we have sat down and talked to her, we have made her take on a couple more responsibilities and nothing is working! It seems like it is just getting worse and we are lost at what to do!  Please HELP!!

A. When children lie a lot theory is that they are looking for attention. So, first I would ask is there a new baby in the house or any sudden changes or loss in family setting. How long as this been going on, was it before 2nd grade? Are older siblings encouraging it or teasing her??? I am sure you tried to sit down and see what is going on in her mind. Kids are extra open when they are sleepy. Just before bed time, when in her room alone see if you can quietly question her without accusing or blaming. Try to give examples of when she was disappointed in something or someone if they did not do as they said then compare that to her lying when you have the facts in front of you.  Be very concrete in example of lying or telling the truth and see if she is consistent with answers with non threatening examples. For instance, say are your eyes blue or brown, if she is correct say, so is that telling the truth? (Hopefully she will agree). then dispute her answer and say no the eyes are actually brown, now is that the truth or a lie. Also, you may wish to keep a chart on the refrigerator and every time she tells the truth you give a star  (or other sticker). After five stickers or so, she gets a reward.  Ask her to explain how she things other people feels when she lies, see if she can express it. If other behaviors also concern you then perhaps you can have the school counselor talk to her about it. Good luck, Let me know if any changes in behavior.
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Behavior
Q. My child is 7 years old and hates school. He says it's boring, I am fighting with him in the morning to go to schoool everyday. This am he refused to go upstairs to brush his teeth, wrapped his hands around the legs of the kitchen table and clenched on. Told me no several times and refuses to go. What should I do.

A. You note that your 7-year-old hates to go to school and often holds onto the banister  or legs of the kitchen table to prove his point. Obviously his responses are so strong that something is up. My first question was if this is new behavior or did he always act like this. Second, is there someone at school harassing him? Rather than confront him with wars of the minds, try exploring with him why he feels that way. He may say bored with school but can mean something totally different. If he truly is very bright and thus bored with average school, he may require some unique treatment. You might speak with the school psychologist to investigate what is going on. I suspect from his age he is in 2nd grade but type of work is he supplied with and is he getting a good night's sleep. Kids often use the wrong words to describe feelings, thus he may mean something totally different. Please explore with him, then with someone he trusts like an aunt or grandparent, then if no answer emerges, consult with school personnel. this behavior is extreme, thus there may be a real reason for such actions. Check it all out.
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Behavior
Q. I have a 9 (10 in October) year old son who pees in his pants at EVERY football practice (3 days a week). He played football last year and we had the same problem, but I thought he was just afraid to ask the coach if he could have a restroom break or embarrased to go pee at the edge of the field like the other boys. So we just let it go. We are now four weeks into football season an he has peed himself every practice. His dad is his coach this year so asking for a break should be a non issue. We have tried restricting liquids and making him go before and during practice, but it still happens. We have also tried talking to him and he has no explanantion for why this is happening. Lately we have just been ignoring it, but he does not seem to be bothered by his pants being wet or the possibility of his teammates finding out. He even hides his wet underwear in the laundry. Please help!

A. You note that your 9.10 year-old son pees his pants at every football practice. Does he doe the same for the actual games? No doubt he has some major concern about going at that time. Does he have accidents at any other time or place? He must be petrified if the other boys find out. But let me ask this, did any of the boys harass or bother him in the john before? He may have something happened that he is too embarrassed to talk about. Perhaps a male counselor can help him. Also, he may get so deeply focused on the game, he will not leave to go the bathroom. You might try a few more steps. Tell him he will have to wear a diaper if this keeps up. Also, make him wash out his clothes after the games. Do this without harsh yelling and do not get into a crying/yelling match with him. We both know that if his team mates realize he wets his pants, he will be harassed forever. They do make plastic pants for his size, this might embarrass him further enough to stop. Be sure he does not drink just before the game too, that would make him go further. I know this is a tough one, but only he can get to the point of stopping the accidents

PS I have worked with Division A adult foot ball players who have similar issues due to nerves. A male counselor may help him work through it before it gets out of hand and kids tease him for life.
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Behavior
Q. How would you handle a 7 year old girl that sticks out her tongue to her mother when she is frustrated?

A. I am not sure if your concern is for the immature act or for disrespect to her mom. First, I would say ignore it and simply continue with business at hand. But perhaps you already tried that. Second, where did she learn to do so, is someone in the family making faces too. Third, if it continues simply take a picture of her while tongue is out and show how silly she looks later. Or, use a hand mirror and make the point. If you truly wan the behavior to distinguish, just ignore it. She seems to enjoy the rise it gets when you are upset.
Let me know if any of above solutions work, if not, we will look at other solutions.
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Behavior
Q. My children act like they have been caged animals.  Whenever we go somewhere they act like it is the first time they have ever been there, even if we were there just yesterday.  They are always over the top excited about everything.  They literally act like caged animals.  It's like they have no social skills in knowing appropriate behavior in public. They totally lack self control almost.  My daughter is 7 and my son is 5 and they are constantly play fighting and teasing each other and really having a grand ol time, but it's during the most inappropriate times.  I take away favorite games and toys, I give them time outs and nothing works.  I am so over it!!  Suggestions?

A. So your children ages 7 and 5 often raise a commotion in public as if they were never taken out. No doubt they are looking for everyone's attention. One good way to approach that is to point out other children who act that way. Perhaps you can engage help from a friend or relative who can attempt to act shocked or conversely, point out to them the way their behavior looks.  You can tell then you are charting them, they take away privilege again, like going to bed early. Be consistent and carry through with the consequence, perhaps a written contract or chart with stars. Of course, you must also compliment and reward for good behavior as well. Take each one  out separately if possible, and see if they act differently. One may be instigating the other. This too will change as they mature, but all of it is part of attention seeking behaviors as well as perhaps, high energy kids. Let me know if behaviors change with new approaches. Do try to change whatever you tried in the past, obviously did not work.
Dr. Felicia, The Parent Coach

Topic: Adoption
Q. 18 months ago we adopted a 10 year old foster girl. she has a 7 year old half sister that lives with her father ,now. older child missed sister .finally we  set up a summer 3 week visit with sister. older sister acts as tho she hates younger sister. constant fighting. help

Topic: Behavior
Q. I have a 2 little boys under the age of two. The oldest is 21months and the baby is 8wks. My 21month has started cryin 24hrs a day. He has a vocabulary which he has completely abandon and has turned to a combination of crying, screaming, and stomping his feet all at the same time. I figured it was because of the new baby & he is trying to get attention but its times im sitting on the floor trying to play with him & he still is crying & yelling. And its hard to have alone time with him since the baby wants to be held all the time & when he does finally fall asleep he is woken by the crying. Its a never ending circle. I'm a single mom & its just me, im at the end of my rope. How do I stop this behavior so we can move forward.

A. It appears your 21 month old has indeed regressed in light of a newborn baby brother.  while he stopped using language to communicate, many toddlers who were potty trained regress as well and start wetting their pants. Several options you may have to reduce his crying are as follows: 1. ) Keep several toys, foods or books nearby to distract him. 2. ) contact your local high school to see if they have seniors that need community hour credits, perhaps a teen can distract him by sitting for you. 3.) check with your local senior center and see if a grandmother type can volunteer to help. 4. Provide the infant with rhythmic noises in his/her crib to help them sleep without being held. Although you may not realize it, it is natural to want to hold and stare in awe of your infant child, so try to be aware of time allotments. It sound like you have tied much but of course, do not yell at your toddler for yelling as that only begets more yelling. Try to soothe him by rubbing his back, distracting him with a bath, or cartoons or age appropriate video. I hope these suggestions help, I know you must need some relief, so good luck.

Topic: Family
Q. My daughter is 4 years old, her bio father has been absent for the last 3years. Just 2 months ago he decided he wanted to start visitations back, we did a court thing and he has had her for 2 weeks. He has been trying to tell her that he is Daddy and his wife is Step mommy and that my current partner is step daddy (he is who she actually knows as daddy, he has been present consistantly since she was 5months), and she is just very confused, what is the best way to explain family dynamics to a child?

A. You note that our 4-year-old daughter's bio dad recently entered her life again after three years absence. Now he wants his daughter to call him dad and your husband step dad. In truth, the courts would side with him as far as calling him dad but you can also explain to your daughter that soooo many people love her she has to dad, daddy ____ and daddy ___ _ whatever their names are. This may be difficult for you but in realty all children have a right to know and identify their birth parents. In truth, although your husband may be the most caring and giving man, he will always be step dad.

Topic: Health
Q. My six year old has trouble with poop in her underwear.  There has been times when she went to the bathroom to peep and poop is in her underwear or she will sit down to peep and no peep comes out but poop is in her behind.  She walks around smelling like poop until someone else
smells it then sends her to the bathroom to clean herself up.  I have shown her numerous times how to clean herself but she stills walks around smelling like poop.  She has been to the doctor several times and each time they say there is nothing wrong and that she just needs to push
everything out when she goes to the bathroom.  This is very fustrating for me because it seems that no matter when she goes to the bathroom there will be poop in her underwear or poop will come out.  I am at my wits end. I have tried everything to fix this but to no avail.  I saw an article on sphincter muscles could this have anything to do with it.  I have also talked to her on several occasions and inquired as to whether or not anyone has touched or placed something in her behind and each time she assures me that noone has touched her.  Please advise!!!

A. You note that your six-year-old poops in her pants and often smells of poop until someone else sends her to clean up.  Since you read the article on immature sphincter muscles you ask if that could be the case. Well, my first question would be if she ever stopped pooping in her pants and this is a new behavior. If she stopped in the past, then her sphincter muscles are not necessarily the problem, as your doctors advise. Now that she continues, you should have her clean up the mess herself, as you stand over her. This may be a phase for now but see how long it lasts. Sooner or later the kids will make fun of her at school, perhaps that will embarrass her enough. Also, be sure she is not playing with it. Be sure her diet is providing enough fiber so that she can pass it through. Sometimes kids get lazy and do not want to push it, but then, she obviously needs someone to stand over her and tell her what to do, at least for now. Does she do this at school too. If so, the teacher must be getting tired of it, so perhaps the school nurse can help you address it there. If she starts to play with the poop, that is another problem. For now, try the school nurse and stand over her while she washes out her mess. Patience is a virtue that all parents need, although this one pushes one to the limit. 

Topic: Behavior
Q. I'm a dad of a 16yr. girl and 14 yr. boy. Here recently my daughter started and still is  rebellious. She lost her virginity in late Mar. and she was having boys over after I told her no one was suppose to over regardless who, and she defied me and her mother. We try to keep the lines of communication open and  have been compromising with both, but she just rebelling and tryed to run away, when i imposed the consequences of her actions. She not providing a positive role model for her brother and now hes making poor choices. We take away priveliges when they make poor choices and give them back when they do better. They lie, their sneeky, they raise their voices, they disrespect rule and guildines. They just don't seem to care. Please Help.

A. Raising teenagers is never easy, many choices and life changes occur. However, the basis of parent / child authority must start young, so that they know consistent consequences for their actions. You site very solid consequences but they must be applied consistently, in a pattern that started, age appropriate consequences when they were young. Disrespect can happen when kids are raised with solid boundaries since youth but all breaks lose when hormones enter the picture in teen years. Your daughter is way ahead of her age and as you already know, she may head for risky business and more serious problems. If possible, offer to have them in counseling as they often listen to outsiders before parents, that is a fact for all families. Also, be sure you and your spouse are consistent and never  back down from a punishment. Your daughter may be in puppy love or making reckless choices which will come  back to haunt her. Regardless of how angry you get with her, be sure to make time available for positive bonding in quality times as well. All families are under a lot of stress right now, so that may be a hard task if you work a lot but in between the punishments, bonds of quality time are essential. Remember to remind her that it is the behavior you dislike not the child. Make grounding punishments reasonable in time and duration, lest you may make it too tough on you and your wife as well. Only solid advice is to be reasonable in punishment that should be age appropriate, consistent and carried through once questioned. Be sure to guard against her sneaking out at night. Get planned parenthood to host a venereal disease project as well, since VD are rampart amongst young teens.  While you may be so angry you do not want to interact with her be sure to keep lines of communication open without reprise. I wish you luck.

Topic: Behavior
Q. I have a 5 year old son who started school in August and was doing fine.  But for the past 2 weeks, he has been biting and punching kids at school.  I've noticed that when I am walking with him to school; he is practically dragging himself to class.  I've been to the principal's office.  The weird thing is that he does not have this behavior at home.  What's going on with him?  Please help!

A. Your five-year-old son started school in August without a problem. But for two weeks now he has been kicking and punching kids at school and acts as though he hates school. None of this behavior is observed at home.

It would appear that your son is in some sort of hassle with other kids and perhaps teachers have not noticed. Try to speak to him again about this. Usually bedtime when they are groggy with sleep is when kids talk about their problems most. So please try to find out who is harassing or antagonizing him. If no changes took place in the family or home, it is fair to assume some problem occurs at school. See if you or a family member might observe in class or recess for yourselves to see if you observe a pattern or other child that is harassing him as well. Unless your child talks about it, you will never get to the bottom of it. I assume you already talked to the teacher about this? If not, please do so soon.

Topic: Health
Q. My girlfriends 5 yr. old girl keeps forgetting to wipe her butt and flush after a bowel movement. we have sat her down and talked to her several times, this works for only a day then we are right back at square one. Her mother has started swatting her once on the butt, and this too does not work.

A. It appears that your girlfriend's five year old keeps forgetting to wipe her bottom after using the bathroom, including after a bowel movement. This is indeed a messy thing to deal with. Perhaps the girl needs an instructional review on how to do so with out getting any on her hands. Young kids do things for very different reasons then we believe they do, sometimes a simple solution is at hand. Whacking her on the behind is not helpful and will just make her more defiant and resistant about the topic.

I would suggest having her mother review easy methods of wipe, (I know it is quite frustrating) but also folks sometimes use music in the bathroom for the kids to make it more playful for them.  I am sure it is just a phase and she may keep on doing it if it is for attention. So, a little positive attention will certainly direct the matter in the right direction. If the problem continues after a few mild playful instructional interactions, by all means write back.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia