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Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach
Dr. F. Felicia Ferrara, Ph. D.

ParentGuide.com is pleased to feature Dr. Felicia the ParentCoach as an educational resource for parents in Tampa Bay. We believe you will find Dr. Felicia a huge source of inspiration; a common sense advisor and a down-to-earth psychologist who will help you better face the challenges of parenting.

Ask Dr. Felicia
Dr. Felicia will answer your questions on child development that are non-medical related. Please send your question to her using the online form and stay tuned to the Dr. Felicia page on ParentGuide.com for answers to all your questions!

Topic: Behavior 08/18/08
Q. I have a 3 year old who has been potty trained during awake hours for 5 months, now suddenly she is peeing a little in her underwear then asking to go to the potty. It is not enough to change her pants just her underwear. She is going to start pre-school in a few weeks and I am concerned. Should I start with prizes again? Eliminate the nap time and nighttime pull-up? Ignore it and hope it goes away? HELP!

A. Your three-year-old who was potty trained is now resuming to leaks in her pants again. She may very well have a cold in her sister which affects the bladder. Please check with her pediatrician to assure she does not have a bladder infection. This could happen for many reasons, so check with the doctor and see if it does not stop shortly. I suspect it is a minor cold in her system or bladder.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 08/18/08
Q. My grandson is 7yrs. old with a single dad,and a new living in girlfriend. He has been caught stealing. 2x's in school when he was six, and 1x in daycare at age 7. The last stealing was women under garment. Why? and is there something wrong with him.  Should we be concerned. He put them on,and wanted to walk out with them. His dad asked him why. His respond I don't know why I did it. Thank you!

A. You note that your grandson age 7, was caught putting on women's under ware. He cannot explain why and this leaves his single dad perplexed. The truth is, he may not know why he did that. The stealing from day is another problem and children usually do that for a need for attention. You did not mention if mother abandoned him or other crisis led to dad having sole custody, so that is another source of problems.  Mothers are a significant relationship in any child's life so one cannot minimize the importance there. Since so many variables enter this child's life, including dad's new girlfriend, the boy must surely need to explore this more with a professional. He has been through many changes and adjustments in his young life, and it is not an easy matter when primary care taker change.  

Topic: Behavior 08/07/08
Q. How do we stop our 16yr old foster boy from pooping his pants on purpose?

A. If you have a 16-year old foster boy who purposely poops in in his pants, he will need help with that. Your foster care system should provide him with counselors as this is not a good thing. As far as you in the home, you will have to be consistent and make him clean it up and assure that is not acceptable. Often children who mess with feces have more serious deep seated problems thus need professional interventions, especially at age 16 given the complex emotional situations in all cases. Please consult his care worker to set up professional consult on this matter.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 08/07/08
Q. I have a son he's turning four this coming october, my problem is he's always crying, like if he opens the tv and he did not see the cartoons that he wants to watch, hes going to cry. if he's playing and he dropped his toy he's going to cry. if he's going to ride a bus and he did not seat on his favorite seat coz, some body is sitting there, he's going to cry and scream and he doesn't care if theres a lot of people. w e tried to talk to him in a nice way, but no change at all. we even put him inside his room, as a punishment, still he doesn't change. and theres a lot more non sense things that he's crying over to. my husband and i very tired and very stress of our sons behaviour. he is our first child after 13 years, and sometimes i feel some regrets of having a child. when he was  baby he has trouble of sleeping, and he's always crying also. before we thought he's just a baby so we just ignore that behaviour and hopefully he will change for the better. but it did not happen, he's getting worst as he grow older, a lot of tantrums, a lot of crying. he cry whenever he wants, wherever he is. pls. help me with my problem. i don't know if i need to seek some medical help for my son. have a nice day.

A. You describe that your 4-year-old son cries if any item is changed on him and he is faced with different situations. This is unusual at his age. I assume he is rigid about his food and toys as well. This lack of flexibility is of concern and needs to be addressed professionally, if nothing else to rule out any other disorder. Rigid thinker have other problems which cannot be evaluated without a complete medical and birth history. So, yes, please keep a journal of any odd behaviors when this occurs, like hand movements or repeated phrases and behaviors. Punishment and crying obviously does not work so let up on that. I have many questions that come to mind but that is best left to a one to one consult with a professional taking personal birth and developmental history. Your son is entitled to services from local elementary school so please make a written request to consult with the school psychologist even though he is not in school yet, They have early intervention programs that can help a lot. Please do not make this a war with the child, it sounds like something else is going on with him and he genuinely cannot help it, so all the yelling or punishment in the world will not be effective.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 08/07/08
Q. I have a 9 year old son who was diagnosed with Tourettes at age 5.  He has a number of tics (mild) but one, that the specialist says isn't related to TS, is this... he likes to touch his poo.  I find pieces of it on the edge of the toilet, in the shower, sometimes on his shirts.  Recently he was at our friends house for a sleepover, complained of a headache so she asked if he wanted to take a bath (as that's where he finds great solace and quiet).  He did.  The next morning, she noticed that the tub hadn't drained totally and there was a big lump of poo in it.  He's had this 'poo' thing a few times over the past 4 years but it goes away and then seems to come back... what can we do?

A. Yes, when a 9-year-old boy plays with pooh it is not usually related to Tourette Syndrome but something totally different. By all means bring it to his attention that this is not acceptable action and have him participate in the clean up-without harsh or negative actions on your part. 

Topic: Behavior 07/28/08
Q. My three year old son seems all to familiar at fighting and mouthing off with other children when expected to share and I am concerned this may grow into something UGLY later.  Or...is this pretty normal?  I did not experience this with our first born (a girl), in fact, she is the extreme opposite and won't stand up for herself if another child takes something from her. Ugh!  Thanks for your insights...

A. You note that our three-year-old son is aggressive in fighting and mouthing off with other children rather than to share with them. It is important that you attempt to calm him and be consistent with time out or other acceptable punishment to discourage that behavior. Such actions may very well become a habit or pattern that he continues as he gets older. If he sees aggression in his environment, he will surely copy it. But keep letting him no in mild terms that is not acceptable behavior. Certainly good moods depend on if they get sufficient sleep and eat well, so monitor is time on a daily basis. Reinforce the concept of sharing and move him from a play time if he becomes aggressive for a 5-10 minute time out for attitude adjustment. Please do so without aggression or yelling on your part, but simply reinforce better behavior. Be patient and hope this only a phase and ends quickly with proper interventions.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 07/23/08
Q. I am wooried about my 7 year old. HE HAD ADHD AND HE SELFISH AND HAS NO SELF CONTROL. PLEASE HELP.

A. If you are truly concerned for your 7-year-old, please consult a professional. Very often kids act out when they feel or perceive that they need more attention. A thorough exploration of all behavior and circumstances will help, so please consult someone with more details. It sounds like you are quite frustrated with your child's actions, so before you act out of anger or deep frustration, get some one to one advice.  Hope this helps but need more details to answer more thoroughly.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 07/23/08
Q. My six year old daughter is comparing with her 3 year old brother and saying we are not looking after her and we love her brother not her. She gets upset easily.she is crying continueously till i lose my patience. i tried talking to her nicely and explained her how important she is. She is a very active kid but she is a poor eater. I am so worried about her. she behaves very well in the school.I hope you can advice me about this issue.

A. You note that your six-year-old daughter is jealous of her 3-year-old brother, not unusual. But realize that is her perception, thus real to her. So, perhaps you can spend more time with her alone, even just a half hour would make her feel special..some special project or event that she likes perhaps.  As they see, each child needs special time alone with parents, even if it is simply to help cook something in the kitchen....that way she knows how special she is. You might refer to her for simple daily routine items,. like what to make for dinner or pick a special place to go, i.e, a park etc... 

Topic: Behavior 07/15/08
Q. I have a 2 year old that suddenly is scared all the time he does not want to be alone at all. he became a crier and now wont take the sippy cup just a bottle and he will scream for over a hour pass out and wake up crying but will not touch the sippy. His dad is not with us he works out of state and he will cry "I want my daddy" and that will turn into a scream and he wants nothing to do with me then what do i do. i have no family support here it is just him and i all day every day and i am having very hard time not losing it. He fights me every night about sleeping 10, 10
.30 and he is still up wanting to be right there with me. holding him sitting with him. If i do try and leave him he gets petrified and screams his head off.  I have spanked him but that is not the way i want to go and i get so angry at my husband for putting us in this situation that i am afraid i might spank my son when i am still angry at his dad. So i am doing every thing i can not to spank. i am completely isolated from friends and family. My son has only me. What do i do. Please help?

A. You note that your  two-year-old son is crying all the time, afraid to be alone and afraid to use a zippy cup, which he formerly used. Something someone may have scared him and/or he may have had a nightmare. He sounds quite insecure and hitting him does not help the problem. Please be careful not to hit him when frustrated over your husband. You definitely need a social outlet.

Topic: Behavior 06/25/08
Q. My 6yr old daughter is telling a lot of lies lately, and now it it getting hard for us to determine whether she is lying or not. She is being mean and saying cruel things to her lil brother, hits him, says she hates him. She has come home from school with things in her bag that weren't there when she left for school, and when confronted about them says "I don't know how they got there?" "someone must have put them there" they aren't mine! I know that she is lying but we never ever see to get to the bottom of it without her having a big temper tantrum. The other night she was caught out lying again, and when we took something from her that she really likes at the moment, she started yelling and screaming at us, saying things like, I hate you!, I don't want to live in this house anymore! I'm not your friend! And so on. Is this normal? It seems to be getting worse. It is very hurtful. She has also started hitting us, really lashing out. We don't smack, we always use the naughty corner / time out and give the children 1 minute for every year of their age. She seems to be the only one that has this problem. We have a 5yr old boy as well.

When she says that she hates me, I say to her, Well I love you darling and always will, this just seems to make her more upset, she even says "no you don't, you hate me" I get down to her eye level and I say to her, mummy loves you very much honey and I always will, she just shouts and screams. She is allowed to come away from time out, when she is ready to apologise and acknowledge what she is apologising for.

What are we doing wrong. We love her dearly and some of the things are really upsetting. Even when everything is over it still hurts me inside. Lying does not go down well in our house. We also tell our children that it does not matter what you have done, it is always better to tell the truth, you may get told off, but you won't get in as much trouble as you would if you tell a lie. Why does she lie all the time? Are we doing something wrong? What can we do, please help!!!!!

A. Your daughter is obviously acting out for what she perceives as a need for attention. When kids steal things as well, it is a sign they perceive they need more attention. IT sounds like she is your oldest and certainly can get dramatic. This is not to say that you do not spend time with her ,remember, it is her perception. Sibling rivalry at its max. Continue to speak to her in a soft voice and using time out. Also, when you find where she stole the items from, make her apologize to the person's face.  Above all of this, and this may be difficult, but try to spend quality time with something for her alone. She obviously is jealous of siblings and this is her way of demanding your attention. So, of possible take her someplace alone if family  can help sit for the other children. If she continues along these lines, it can become a regular behavior pattern. Please consult a professional if it continues much longer on a one to one basis. Also, my question would be if this happens at school as well? Look for patterns of when it emerges. And again, spend time alone with her.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 06/09/08
Q. What to do about my 4 year old son REPEATEDLY pooping himself, and then wiping his poop on the walls? He is potty trained, and doesn't require wearing anything at night time. He was doing fine until my husband had to leave 3 months ago (he is military) and i really don't know what to do to about this.

A. Your son is obviously going thru a difficult separation from his dad in the military, since the problem with smearing his feces occured when father left. You must assure him as much as possible about his dad, and perhaps make a ritual each night where you sit with him and write dad a letter or talk about good time swith dad, always of course, reassuring him of how much dad love him. If the feces smearing continues please seek professional help, it is a form of dissociating from emotinal pain, but can become a hard pattern. Always use distractions in a positive form and of course, make him help clean it up and stress how nice that looks afterwards.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 06/09/08
Q. I have 3 girls, 8 and 4 yr old twins.  one of the twins has begun hitting, kicking and pushing her sisters and me!  she also purposely colors on furniture, scratches our leather furniture and flat screen tv with sharp objects, etc. i've tried talking calmly to her, putting her in time out etc, but the behavior continues. any suggestions? thanks!

A. She may very well be competing for attention with sisters. But first I would ask if she had any difficulteis during delivery or after birth. IF they are fraternal twins, she may have mood disorder (chemically induced) although at her age, we hope they outgrow such tantrums. The behavior sounds highly agressive which usually occurs in young ones due to a sense of need not being met. SInce she is so destructive, you may wish to seek professional assistance. As noted, by her perception a certain need is not being met. She may be jealous of attention you spend on other sisters, but you must be firm and consistent. Do not hit or stike her as she will do the same back. Talk to her in a softer voice to calm her. If it continues please consult your local school system for early prevention services, she may do the same behaviors at school or day care. Eventually, she may hurt self or others.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 06/09/08
Q. Ok, well my 15month old basically has her own schedual the moment i think I have her on a schedual she changes it up she goes to bed later and still wakes up for bottles in the middle of the night I have tried doing the bed time routine nothing has seem to work i feel like a bad parent b/c she dosent go to sleep at a decent time please help!

A. One reason little ones awaken at night is that they are probably hungry. Be sure she is getting enough table food as a bottle does not hold them. And of course, they may awaken if they wet alot. You may give in too quickly when she awakens and attend to her. A short cry is okay and let her get used to the crib in her room. Sometimes a night ligth, soft music or sounds will keep her fascinated. Place musical toys in teh crib and then remove them after she falls asleep. I suspect she wakens due to hunger. Be consistent with feeding just before bed and a warm bath often helps too.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 05/29/08
Q. My son is 6 years old. For the past two years my son has been pooping in his pants. We are constantly asking him if he has to go to the bathroom. Telling him he can not go outside and play until he poops. With all that he still does it. As soon as we let him go play he comes back in with poop in his pants.He doesn't do it while in school. It seems like he waits to do it like he has a fear of pooping. I thought it may be because of his hernia. So I took him to the doctor and they said pretty much there is nothing wrong with to hurt him while he poops.

A.You note that your six-year-old continues to poop in his pants when at home, not at school. You also note that he has a hernia but the doctor said that should not hurt. I would get a  second opinion on that. Also, please check his diet, is the food too bulky or too heavy, this might make him constipated as well. Also, be sure to give him plenty of water which helps with digestion. If  he had a fear of pooping, he would not be clean at schooll as you note he does not poop in his pants at school.

Topic: Technology 05/21/08
Q. What are your feelings on 'learning' toys like LeapFrog?  Do they encourage good and healthy behavior, or is it just too much technology?

A. That is a good question. Today's technology has driven the marketplace to accept only multidimensional, toys, books and other objects for learning. In some cases, it could lead to overload for the child. Most depends on the child's age and level of maturity. So, in each case a parent must moniter the child's reacton to the toy. If they become frustrated or simply push it away, that is a good sign it is too much. 

Topic: Health 05/09/08
Q. I am asking this for my sister in law who I have told her I would be concerned about her son doing this. My nephew is in the second grade. He gets angry very easy. Hes a very smart child who has problems relating and playing with other children no matter there age. She had been smelling something in her sons room for a time and then realized one morning around his bed she stepped on a wet spot on his carpet. she asked Andy what had he spilt. O f course he said nothing. Then that mornig she got to smelling that ordor and had pulled his carpet back and it had spots all around his bed. She confronted him about what it was until she finally got up one morning before he got out of bed and saw him pee on the floor then went and finished. Still lying to her then finally surrendering and said he didnt know why he done this. She said all around the bed is ruined they pulled his carpet up and still caught him doing this. She has know clue to why would a child do this?

A. Children often do things that adults cannot understand. Sometimes there is a reasonable explanation, like another adult showing him to do that. Or, it can be a sign of deeper problems. First line of action should be to contact his pediatrician. He should be checked for anatomical issues, if any. Once that is ruled out, which in this case does not seem to be the case, then proceed with a professional counselor. Obviously, he gets some satisfaction out of the process. Hopefully, he has  male role models who can demonstrate the proper way to urinate. Also, check with his school and see it happens there too. If not, then you have a better chance of getting him to control self at home. Also, be sure he does not drink alot of liquids before bed. Interventions should be consistent and firm but not yelling and berating him. You might also have him clean up the mess as well. Mother will have to stay after him and perhaps awaken him earlier in the am and walk him to the bathroom. It is a concerning behavior so please stay on it.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. Years ago, I read an book which included an article on bedwetting by a child development expert. The article stated that either sugar or dairy before bed can increase the chance of bedwetting. I don't remember which item it was that specifically triggered bedwetting, only that "giving your child a bowl of ice cream before bed" was an invitation to disaster. Can you direct me to this specific information? Many thanks.

A. You ask what product, sugar or dairy,  increases bedwetting at night. The answer is that either one can. Much depends on your child's body response to either product. Please check with your pedicatrician to individualize your child's diet. In some cases, sugar can deepen sleep so that a child may not awaken to the need to go to the bathroom. And in some cases, dairy products will impact amount of illimination needed at night. In either case, you can always try avoiding any intake an hour or longer before bedtime.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. Hello, I have a 10 year old stepson who lives with his mother, and visits on wknds with his father and I. I am very concerned for him, he still sleeps with his mother, always has, wets the bed, always has. Is on adderall for ADHD, is failing in school, his attendance and tardiness is through the roof. (22 days tardy in one nine week period) Has severe dental problems.(5 root canals, three teeth pulled, another permanent tooth to be pulled, at least 6 other cavities.) There are problems between the mother and father who were never married or living together, so visits are often compromised. Family court is often visited.Social services has been involved several times with the mother, and nothing is done. What can we do 2 days a week to help this child?

A. Your note is not unusual between separated parents. It sounds like your 10-year-old stepson lives in a permissive or neglectul home. Unfortunately, social services only takes steps in severe cases of injury or harm. As for many teeth problems, apparently he is free to eat candies and perhaps never brushes his teeth. As for school attendance or excessive absenses, father has a right to contact the school and express his concern. This boy may barely complete the school year and perhaps will be detained or worse yet, socially promoted. Dad has a voice in this, he can contact CPI and make his concerns known. Perhaps he already has but he must persist.

Topic: Health 04/28/08
Q. My ex-wife just called me in reference to my recently turned 12 year old son. He has a tendency to not wipe well, or for that matter on occassion leave actual solids in his underwear thus ruining the underwear. I don't get it. I don't want him to be made fun of in school, but it appears that he is being lazy or just won't speak up when he has to go to the bathroom. This doesn't happen all the time but much too frequent for a 12 year old. I would understand a smear or skidmark on occasion but it gets ridiculous. My ex wife is going to make him go without underwear for awhile as a punishment in hopes that he will learn that way. I myself don't know what to do. Going without underwear to me sounds a little harsh. What do you think? Please help me on this one.

A. I hear the frustration in your note as I am sure your ex-wife is perplexed as well. She should seek help with from professionals, either peditrician or school psychologist at local school. Any parent as a right to make a referral at local school district, best if made in writing and dated. When a 12-year-old is content with messing in his pants, a larger problem is at hand. Please seek the proper help before you do more damage than good.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 04/04/08
Q. My 3½-year-old son poops in his pants every 1-2 weeks at school.  He **is** potty trained and he does not do this at home. The school (a Montessori) is threatening to expel him for this behavior. I don't want to see that happen. He would miss his friends and teachers. Can you help, please?

A. You note that your 3.5 year old son poops in his pants 1-2 weeks at his Montessori school and they threaten to 'expel' him for that. Usually kids who are advanced and very focused on the activity at hand, do not want to break the event by going to the bathroom. I am sure you tried other things but perhaps the school will also work with you. Your son should have a mentor teacher that he can go to when he feels a need to 'poop'. Perhaps the school already tried this. He may also need a friend mentor who can appoint as his 'buddy.'  Sometimes, the children stand away from the crowd or feel alienated or detached, otherwise, they want to be like peers and be fully potty trained. You might also try buddying him up with another child in his room after school for play time. This would encourage him to be similar to peers. At least it is worth a try. You can only reinforce him to go, as should the school. I assume they make him go home when he poops and this should be anohter deterrant but the school should work with you on this problem, not punish the boy by expelling him, unless of course it occurs more often.
Please call for a meeting with school staff, teacher and administrator as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Health 03/18/08
Q. I have a nine year old nephew who I take care of with my fiance. He openly admits to being "lazy" when it comes to going number 2. Sometimes he'll go and not wipe, sometimes he'll just stand there with it in his pants. We've done absolutely everything possible that we know of to change this HORRIBLE problem but he just doesn't seem to care. PLEASE HELP!!!

A. At age nine, your nephew should be capable of going number two without help. When he messes in his pants, be sure that he washes his own mess. Do not overly scold him but make him know he is responsible. It may be his way of seeking attention. You do not mention why you have custody of his care, so of course he may be acting out from lack of time with his birth parents. Also try to spend sole personal time with him alone. If it persists, please seek personal attention.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Potty Training 03/16/08
Q. My daughter is 2 years old she is pottytrained except at night.  My problem is that when I put the panties on her she has a rash pop-up on the back of her checks of her bottom.  It is odd because I have change laundry detergent and still have no clue how to take care of the problem and nobody eles has a clue and cant give be advice.

A. You note that your two-yaer-old gets  rash on her bottom when you use certain panties on her. Perhaps she is allergic to the material in the garment. Many kids need cotton panties vs synthetic materials, so please check that out. Also, if she poops is she wiping enough. Then again, if you have perfumed toilet paper may be the problem. So try changing the material first, see if a change occurs. If not, then try the other items as well.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: School 03/10/08
Q. Our son is a hard working speciea Ed student, Diagnosed with Nuerofibromotosis and has Juevnile Diabetes.His 5th grade teacher,asked Jaime,do you think your'e going to the 6th grade?he stated,I don't know.She stated well you're not.he came home teary eyed.I brought this to the attention of the Principal.We had a meeting with the principal.I told her that his teacher was very callas,and insencitive to make that statemant to Jaime.This is form of mental abuse,and a mental demotion to his self esteem.Please give your opinion.Thank you

A. It is unfortunate that a teacher would make a callous remark. If a concern arose about your son's ability to pass 5th grade, by all means, a meeting should be held in private. There is no justification in any teacher making snide remarks to students, although sometimes students know how to push buttons just right. Is is possible that the teacher meant the words differently? Have you had prior encounters with the teacher? Someimes words are taken out of context, so please assess that possibilty. Sometimes, the teacher may simply mean to encourage or wake up a student who does not achieve to ability. However, given your description of the incident, the words do sound harsh. Most studens crave compliments from a teacher, so yes, a negative phrase or few words could set  a child  back in motivation rather then fuel his interest in a topic. You were right to discuss it with the principal, but hopefully, by conversing ill feelings will be mended. If you son has to stay in that class, you may moninter his work efforts as well as the teacher's comments. Meanwhile, just keep in encouraging your son to stay focused on the goal, that is to pass 5th grade.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Parenting 03/10/08
Q. What adivce could you give me in balancing work from 745-430 the school starting the 10th of march from 5-10.  I will not be able to see my son none throughout the days. How will I balance it all.  I was easier of course when i didn't have a child and doing these things.

A. Yes, you have choosen a tough schedule. I assume your son is a bit older, thus at least leave him notes or small rememberances of yourself that he might find throughout the day. Perhaps you can leave them in his lunch bag, under his pillow etc. Remember, children do not see the big picture, they live in the here and now. So although you realize you are making a sacrifice for a better future, that concept is not easily understood by children. So, reassure him. Try to set time aside for him on Saturday and be sure to make him feel special. Of course, phone calls after school help too. In the meantime, try to leave a short time for yourself to run or exercise as well. You are the captain of the ship so, please stay in balance as much as possible. You can let your son work near you when you study, etc. A few words of warmth and love goes a long way with small children, or any one for that matter.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 02/28/08
Q. I have a 20 month old little girl. My question is, how can I break her of screaming and crying every morning when she wakes up? Every morning when she wakes up, instead of calling for me or playing with the stuffed animals that are in her crib, she screams her little head off. I try not to get upset about it, but that really is not the way I would prefer to get woken up in the morning. If she is napping in my bed or I bring her in there in the morning (because she basically falls right back to sleep when I pick her up) she's fine. She will call for me or she will just get out of the bed and come find me. Is there any way to break her of the screaming when she's in her own room?

A. Yes, there are certain methods and perahps you already tried some, but here it goes. First, do not raise your voice back to her. Perhaps she is afraid of being alone, thus cries out. Speak softly, almost a whisper which forces her to lower her voice to hear you. Do not pick her up until her voice lowers as you model a soft voice for her. Only when she quiets, should you pick her up. It sounds like to date, she has gotte the attention she desires by screaming, so, so far it reinforces the behavior. You might try standing in the doorway of her room to use soft words then when she quiets go to pick her up and praise the soft voice.

Topic: Behavior 01/28/08
Q. My daughter has overheard some foul language and won't stop repeating f bombs, s bombs, and shut up.  We've tried ignoring it to extinguish the behavior but to no avail.  We've tried sending her to her room, but nothing has worked to eliminate the behavior.  What can we do?

A. As you may know, this is a common problem amongst our growing children. You did not mention the age of your dauther, so I assume she is either late elementary school age, or middle school age. This is defnitely a problem if you let it persists. Set a reasonable punishment and then stick to it consistently. Perhaps you might take away allowances or priviliedge when she says the words. Or you can make her write a statement vowing not to say the words many times, just like a school teacher might do. Please stay consistent and do not allow it as acceptable. Use reasonable explanations and punishments. Good Luck, let me know if you have further questions.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/23/08
Q. I have a friend who have a juvenile son who has stolen their money and credit cards to support a drug habit.  His child will go to a juvenile jail and spend one or two years there.  What can my friend do to help his son?  I do not want to see his son go to jail.  What other thing can his father do to help him?

A. You note that your friend's juvenile son may go away for a year or so for stolen credit cards to support a drug habit. One thing you may be able to do is to plead for drug court rather than regular sentencing. Then if he is sentenced he may go for rehabilitation to serve time. This differs in each district, so depending on which jurisdiction the crime was comitted. Sentencing time increases with multiple offenses. First offenses often get a mild Walker Plan (community service) or probation, then if either plan fails, the sentences increase. Thus, prior offenses add time to new offenses. Also, victim crimes increase sentence time. Often the Judge puts much weight on victim statements, if one is involved. A one or two year sentence is extreme for  a youth, thus it leads me to believe it may not be the first offense.

Topic: Behavior 01/21/08
Q. I have a 13 year old daughter. Ii told her to clean her room she said no then the f-word to me. What should I do?

A. While it is not unusual for children to start or try to use the F word with their parents, you must put an end to it immediately and let her know that is not acceptable language in your home or toward her parents. You must punish her with some appropriate thing such as remove  TV program or early to bed. Although she is 13, if you have been structured to date, she should be angy but bide by your rules. If she were unruly for some time and used to a lax discipline tactic it may be too late. But do not give up.

While I do not make personal consults on cell phones, please note this reply and consider an appropriate punishment. Please be consistent. Of course, one would hope that you also use a proper tone with her rather than yelling and smacking back, as two angry persons only begets more anger. I know you need a lot of patience now, but it is the time to set the pace for how she will interact with you for the rest of her teens. Please be fair, consistent and speak softly.
Good luck, Dr. Felicia

Topic: Behavior 01/04/08
Q. have been a stepmom of 2 boys, 10 and 12 years old since they were 1 and 3 years of age. My boyfriend and I live 3 1/2 hrs. away and have visitation every weekend. Mom rotates the driving with us and on occasion has spent the night (we're friends). Question: Should mom be changing her clothes to full undress (breasts and genitalia) in front of her maturing sons?!! 10 year old son still sleeps with mom?!! Is it just me or does this seem wrong?

A. You write about your step children, ages 10 and 12. Apparently you note that step mom visits at times and will undress full naked in front of both boys, and on occasion teh 10 year-old still sleeps with the mom. You are right to be concerned as in the US, such behavior is considered inappropriate if not outright illegal. Some times adults are so concerned with their own neesd, normal or otherwise, that they forget to observe societal customs. By all means the problem should be addressed and the boy's father needs to take the initiative. Of least threatening, co-sleeping with your children fosters dependency rather than teaching the children independence and individualization. Needless to say, implications for sexual abuse are also brooding and it is just a matter of time before the boys mention it to someone or a concerned adult makes the awkward step of reporting the matter. If that happens when in other person's home, what happens when no one else is around in her own home. Many women have such a strong need to be desired by males that they will do anything for attention and substitute a child's love for a male partner love, albeit, wrong. You might suggest to your husband to contact a parent coordinator who can intervene and help set up proper boundaries. If you suspect greater problems, please take an active stand. While I do not advocate a stepmother to confront the birth mother, the father should certainly do so. Seek out local consult wtih a professional as the actions you described in your email are definitely not appropriate.